promise (noun) – a declaration or assurance that one will do a particular thing or guarantee that a particular thing will happen

do you ever wish that you had a physical manifestation of a spoken promise? something that is a daily, constant reminder of the verbal things already spoken and a sign of all those things unspoken?

it’s not that i needed it. i really didn’t. but i wanted it. i know that the words spoken are true. i believe them. i can feel them. i know.

these are the things i know: i know that the words are true, the feelings real, the intentions are honorable. i know that i will never suffer another heartbreak at the hands of some stupid boy. i know that i can say anything without fear of judgment or retaliation. i know i can hang around whomever i choose without fear of accusation. i know that i am the most beautiful woman that exists in his eyes. i know that my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, my words are heard and treasured. i know that i can’t live without him. these are the things i know.

this is my physical manifestation of those promises:

it’s not a promise of marriage, per se. as in, it’s not the engagement ring. it’s a promise ring. his grandmother’s ring. a promise that i never again have to worry about anything. a reminder that all these things are true and will remain so. and i wanted to share before everyone starting jumping to conclusions. yes, it’s fast, i understand. but it’s right. i’ve never been more sure of anything in my entire life. it’s real. it’s honest. it’s true. it’s open*. it’s everything i’ve ever wanted in a relationship and more. he’s everything i’ve ever wanted in a man and more. and so i asked him for a cheapo ring because i didn’t want to go one more day without being marked as his. not one more day. and what i got was far from cheapo, the farthest even. i know his grandma was looking down at him, smiling, telling him to use hers.

like i said, i don’t need it. i already know these things to be true. but i want it. i want everyone to know what i know. i want everyone to see what i know.

 

————————————————————–

*yes, he knows i’m writing this. as a matter of fact, it was his idea. and he’s reading over my shoulder as i write it, which is only slightly weird for me. not used to spectators to my blogging. because i don’t post things on here that i haven’t already talked to him about. most of what i share is old news to us. i don’t use this as a means of communication to him. i don’t need to. i tell him anything that’s in my head. anything. even if it’s about the ex. oh yes, everything. my words don’t frighten him. he will not run. this is not one sided. it never has been. i do not nag. i do not need to. we are on the same page. we always have been. this is the way love is supposed to be: real, open, honest, raw. and i want everyone to know i love him and he loves me. there. i said it. and it’s on the internet. so it’s true.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

it’s not that i’m super ready for this semester to be over. that’s not the case at all. i’m loving my classes. i like going to them. i like learning what i’m learning. school is not stressing me out.

 

this is what IS.

 

i’m discontent with something else. i’m ready to move on. not to move on from school, not to be done, like i said. i’m ready to move on in life. i’m tired of this temporary, nomadic single life. i want to get married. i want a home. i want somewhere to go at the end of the day that’s mine. the proverbial ‘they’ say that home is where your heart is. my heart is NOT in dahl. my heart is in morris. my heart is in fargo. at the end of the night when i have to go back to dahl, it’s like i’m leaving home for a stranger’s bed. i’m not sleeping in my bed. it’s never going to be my bed. it will always belong to someone else. and who is that person? is the it the school? i don’t know “the school”. i don’t know the person who owns my bed. it’s not mine. it never will be mine. my heart stays in morris and fargo while my body goes to a too hot, too cluttered, unfamiliar place.

 

i want to clear something up here. it’s not that i hate my roommate. i don’t. i really like her, actually. she’s really cool. we’re a lot alike in living styles minus one major thing. i’m more social than she is. she’d rather stay in while i’d rather go out. again, not a problem. she’s cool. however, i don’t want to live with her. because it’s not home. living with her is not home.

 

it’s so hard to share a 6×20 space with someone. trying to study in my room is nearly impossible. and where am i going to go? a lounge? where there are going to be other people? i need alone time. i need to study on my own. in my own space. i just want to be in a place that’s familiar. that’s comforting.

 

also trying to figure out a bible study schedule or a work out schedule with the boyfriend is nearly impossible. it’s not just finding a time for it, but finding a time and a place. and figuring out how that works into both our schedules. and one always has to go to the other.

 

and maybe this just sounds like i’m whining, but i think that’s the majority of my stress right now. i have this battle in my head of what i need to do and how discontent i am with such a LARGE part of my life. with how much effort something that should be relatively simple takes.

 

home is where the heart is. and i know where my heart is.

so i know it’s been a while since i’ve written but i just don’t know what to write about. my life isn’t terribly interesting, i guess. i mean, i’m not really sure.

i’m still doing the school thing. which is really fun and i’m really enjoying it. and i have a test on monday, which i should be studying for and not trying to punch out some blog post about nothing. but alas, we’ll keep plugging away here and see where this goes.

so i’m in school for psychology, if you weren’t aware. and the weirdest thing happened. ok, maybe not the WEIRDEST, but it was still strange. so this kid in band overheard me telling the band director what’s going on in my life and what i’m doing and what i’m in school for, etc., and after i put away my instrument and started walking out of band room, he stops me and says ’so you’re really a psychology major?’

…..

um, yes. yes, i am (ok, you have to understand, this kid is kind of out there… if you know what i mean. think… perpetual freshman).

’so does that mean that you can diagnose me?’

……..

‘why? do you have some sort of psychological disorder?’

‘no, i just thought it would be fun to be analyzed and see if there’s anything wrong with me.’

…………..

and since he laughed while saying it, i laughed and took that opportunity to make my exit.

i mean, seriously. weird. i don’t know.

but, now that i take some time to think about it, it’s not THAT weird or strange. the conversation was just because of the person that he is. a little socially awkward. but who of you wouldn’t like the same thing? a few hours with a psychologist just to see what they say about you. just to draw upon their wells of knowledge and see if i’m normal or not. and the more and more i learn about psychology, the more i see that what i think i have, i REALLY do have. it’s not just a figment of my imagination, it’s not some conjured up version of reality. it’s really there. it really affects me. which is kind of a relief in some sick way. it’s like, yes, i thought something was wrong with me and it’s true. i wasn’t fed some bs. there is a NAME to it.

am i making any sense?

do i wish that i was “normal” and “healthy”? maybe kinda, but then i would be a different person. i wouldn’t be the compassionate person i am. i wouldn’t be able to effectively help those that i think i can help. because i wouldn’t know what they’re going through. i wouldn’t understand the feelings they feel. i wouldn’t know. and how can someone help if they don’t really know what you’re talking about? isn’t it true that when something crazy happens in your life, you want to talk to someone else who’s had a similar crazy thing happen? someone who’s been there? yeah, i thought so.

so i’m really excited for this major. i’m excited to see where it goes. i’m excited to take the next step (which is hopefully seminary) and really further my education and understanding. further myself. improve myself to help others improve. it’s like everything in life is starting to make sense again, just what i wanted so many months ago, if you can remember back that far in my blog. living one day at a time (mostly) and taking things how they come, remembering what’s important and acting on that. getting rid of things that aren’t important in order to keep the things that are. in order to make more time for the things that are.

isn’t growing up and maturing awesome?

I was talking with a friend of mine yesterday about some things and she brought up something i hadn’t thought about for a while. love languages. she was talking to me about a certain aspect of her relationship and how she enjoys it because it speaks to her primary love language.

which, of course, got me to thinking about mine.

and something someone once said to me. we were talking about me pretty much just how awesome i am, and even though i’d heard it all before from this particular person, i wanted to hear it again. it wouldn’t have bothered me to hear even the exact same words as before. to which they replied “that’s YOUR guilty pleasure. you’ll never get tired of hearing it.”

you’re right. i will never tire of hearing it. i will never tire of hearing the wonderful things people have to say about me. because THAT is my love language. words of affirmation. a good compliment will sustain me for days while a hurtful word will tear me to pieces for weeks. i was once in a relationship where i was constantly told how how amazing i would be once i was “healed” and not depressed anymore. where i was criticized for who i was because he didn’t think i should be that way. where i was accused of cheating so much that i finally cracked and did. where i was told that he wasn’t sure if i’d ever be good enough for him. words are incredibly powerful to me.

is it any surprise, then, how good i am with words? does it come as a surprise the mastery i have of the english language? that i can pound out a blog post in a few minutes, with no editing, no proofing and it’s almost epic? it is any wonder?

i once took the time to really figure out the love languages of those around me and tried my best to speak them as much as possible. it was amazing the impact it had on my relationships. even now, i almost unconsciously do it. i’m constantly trying to figure them out, trying to be aware of what people want and need to hear or see or touch or feel to be loved. it certainly takes the focus off myself and i find that when most people are feeling filled, they automatically tell me, which fuels right back into mine.

so you’re right, i’ll never tire of hearing. i’ll never get tired of compliments. but i’ll also never be as destroyed as i am by a careless, hurtful word.

how about you? what’s YOUR primary love language?

———————

*The Five Love Languages (Gary Chapman) http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/

Words of Affirmation
Mark Twain once said “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”  Verbal appreciation speaks powerfully to persons whose primary Love Language is “Words of Affirmation.”  Simple statements, such as, “You look great in that suit,” or “You must be the best baker in the world! I love your oatmeal cookies,” are sometimes all a person needs to hear to feel loved.

Aside from verbal compliments, another way to communicate through “Words of Affirmation” is to offer encouragement.  Here are some examples: reinforcing a difficult decision; calling attention to progress made on a current project; acknowledging a person’s unique perspective on an important topic. If a loved one listens for “Words of Affirmation,” offering encouragement will help him or her to overcome insecurities and develop greater confidence.

Quality Time
Quality time is more than mere proximity. It’s about focusing all your energy on your mate. A husband watching sports while talking to his wife is NOT quality time. Unless all of your attention is focused on your mate, even an intimate dinner for two can come and go without a minute of quality time being shared.

Quality conversation is very important in a healthy relationship. It involves sharing experiences, thoughts, feelings and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context. A good mate will not only listen, but offer advice and respond to assure their mate they are truly listening. Many mates don’t expect you to solve their problems. They need a sympathetic listener.

An important aspect of quality conversation is self-revelation. In order for you to communicate with your mate, you must also be in tune with your inner emotions. It is only when you understand your emotions and inner feelings will you then be able to share quality conversation, and quality time with your mate.

Quality activities are a very important part of quality time. Many mates feel most loved when they spend physical time together, doing activities that they love to do. Spending time together will bring a couple closer, and, in the years to come, will fill up a memory bank that you can reminisce about in the future.
Whether it’s sitting on the couch and having a brief conversation or playing together in a tennis league, quality time is a love language that is shared by many. Setting aside focused time with your mate will ensure a happy relationship.

Receiving Gifts
Some mates respond well to visual symbols of love. If you speak this love language, you are more likely to treasure any gift as an expression of love and devotion. People who speak this love language often feel that a lack of gifts represents a lack of love from their mate. Luckily, this love language is one of the easiest to learn.

If you want to become an effective gift giver, many mates will have to learn to change their attitude about money. If you are naturally a spender, you will have no trouble buying gifts for your mate. However, a person who is used to investing and saving their money may have a tough time adjusting to the concept of spending money as an expression of love. These people must understand that you are investing the money not in gifts, but in deepening your relationship with your mate.

The gift of self is an important symbol of love. Sometimes all your mate desires is for someone to be there for them, going through the same trials and experiencing the same things. Your body can become a very powerful physical symbol of love.

These gifts need not to come every day, or even every week. They don’t even need to cost a lot of money. Free, frequent, expensive, or rare, if your mate relates to the language of receiving gifts, any visible sign of your love will leave them feeling happy and secure in your relationship.

Acts of Service
Sometimes simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression of love. Even simple things like laundry and taking out the trash require some form of planning, time, effort, and energy. Just as Jesus demonstrated when he washed the feet of his disciples, doing humble chores can be a very powerful expression of love and devotion to your mate.

Very often, both pairs in a couple will speak to the Acts of Service Language. However, it is very important to understand what acts of service your mate most appreciates. Even though couples are helping each other around the house, couples will still fight because the are unknowingly communicating with each other in two different dialects. For example, a wife may spend her day washing the cars and walking the dog, but if her husband feels that laundry and dishes are a superior necessity, he may feel unloved, despite the fact that his wife did many other chores throughout the day. It is important to learn your mate’s dialect and work hard to understand what acts of service will show your love.

It is important to do these acts of service out of love and not obligation. A mate who does chores and helps out around the house out of guilt or fear will inevitably not be speaking a language of love, but a language of resentment. It’s important to perform these acts out of the kindness of your heart.

Demonstrating the acts of service can mean stepping out of the stereotypes. Acts of service require both mates to humble themselves into doing some chores and services that aren’t usually expected from their gender. However, these little sacrifices will mean the world to your mate, and will ensure a happy relationship.

Physical Touch
Many mates feel the most loved when they receive physical contact from their partner. For a mate who speaks this love language loudly, physical touch can make or break the relationship.

Sexual intercourse makes many mates feel secure and loved in a marriage. However, it is only one dialect of physical touch. Many parts of the body are extremely sensitive to stimulation. It is important to discover how your partner not only physically responds but also psychologically responds to these touches.

It is important to learn how your mate speaks the physical touch language. Some touches are irritating and uncomfortable for your mate. Take the time to learn the touches your mate likes. They can be big acts, such as back massages or lovemaking, or little acts such as touches on the cheek or a hand on the shoulder. It’s important to learn how your mate responds to touch. That is how you will make the most of this love language.

All marriages will experience crisis. In these cases, physical touch is very important. In a crisis situation, a hug can communicate an immense amount of love for that person. A person whose primary love language is physical touch would much rather have you hold them and be silent than offer any advice.

It is important to remember that this love language is different for everyone. What type of touch makes you feel secure is not necessarily what will make your partner happy. It is important to learn each other’s dialects. That way you can make the most of your hugging, kissing, and other physical contacts.

so lately, i’ve been thinking a lot about my friends. mostly because i just miss some of them to death and would like to talk to them and HAVE TIME AND MY OWN SPACE to talk to them.

since i’ve started back up with college, i’ve talked to pretty much the same five people. and yes, for all of you lurkers out there, i have thought about more than just those five. i just wonder sometimes, how do you keep up with so many people? i can’t even seem to keep up with the friends of mine who HAVE blogs and put their whole lives out there. i just don’t have time to keep up. i may even have to cut down AGAIN on the number of blogs with which i keep up.

so i’ve decided that i’m going to make a tribute blog to all my friends, or at least some of them. then you can get to know some of the characters who continue to lighten and brighten up my life. and these are really in no particular order. order of presence of mind, really. or the last time i saw them. or… something…

so first and foremost, is my homeboy J-dawg. now, i don’t have a PICTURE of the two of us, i hope you all CAN forgive me, but i’m just not really sure how that’s possible considering He’s all hanging out at the right hand of God and stuff. we’ve definitely been talking more, but i’d certainly like to hang out with Him more every day. working on that one, though, really. i mean, it’s one thing to take Him everywhere with me, which i do, but it’s a whole other ball game to just stop life for a few minutes and devote ALL of my attention to Him. that’s where things get more difficult. i’m very easily distracted and have the tendency to say “oh yeah, i’ll do that later today” and then it never actually gets done. so yeah, work in progress.

then, there’s the boyfriend. that’s probably the best picture we’ve taken together thus far. we were at Denny’s because i needed to do some homework and eat some food and he had something else going on and met me there later. i don’t really remember the details, but that’s taken via his blackberry. so yeah, cute picture of the two of us. and i’m not really going to elaborate on him since i’m sure that most of you are REALLY sick of hearing about him. so yes, i will spare you. if you REALLY want to know more about him, just email me or something and i’d be more than happy to “talk” your face off. a LOT has happened in the past two months, so it would take a while to catch up but it’s cool. whatev.

then there’s my lady who lives out in the middle of nowhere north dakota. i so wish i had a weekend to go visit her, really. but alas, i really don’t. i also don’t have the money really to drive to visit her. though i promise, dear, one of these weekends, i’ll really make it work. class and work just sorta get in the way. so anyway, a little bit about this lady. we’ve known each other for 5 years. we met as freshmen in college when she walked in on me in the shower. pretty priceless meeting, i must admit. and i still didn’t know her name for a good week after that. we lived together following freshman year and she’s one of the two people i’ve lived with that i actually CAN live with and don’t want to kill and don’t get irritated and stuff like that. it’s pretty much wonderful. she and i are in fact a LOT alike and becoming even more so with me learning how to dance and how to knit. this girl is a dancing fiend. it’s so much fun watching her and i hope to someday be half the dancer she is. i’m just having tons of fun with learning how, though, and that’s awesome. maybe one of these weeks when she’s back in town to dance, i’ll get to dance with her and i won’t look like a TOTAL fool. just more amateur than anything. she also has one of the kindest, warmest hearts of anyone i know and she’s just so awesome. i love her laugh. i love her sneezes. i try to think of wonderful things to say and my brain explodes with so much stuff that it just kinda log jams (fun story, she just wrote on my facebook wall as i am here writing about her). she also got me into musicals and keri noble (if you don’t know keri noble, go now to youtube or SOMEWHERE and listen. you will fall in love too). she also has beautiful hands. i LOVE her hands. this girl has got strength as well, in so many ways. she inspires me to live life to the fullest and have fun all the time. oh man, i could go on and on now, but i think i’ll just leave it at ‘i miss you darlin and i can’t wait to see you on saturday.’ (for the keri concert in fargo. yay!!)

then there’s this girl. where would i be without her? i mean, seriously. we have been through SSSOOOOOO much together. it’s like our lives ran on a parallel track for the longest time. it’s like it was the same life only with two people running it and living it. i can tell this girl ANYTHING and it doesn’t phase her. and she doesn’t think any more or any less of me by what i say. and nor do i her. this is another girl i wish i could drop everything and go see. for sure because i know she needs it right now, but simply because i miss her. i miss talking to her. i miss hanging out with her. i miss being a dork with her (as this picture DOES pretty much eptiomize the nature of our relationship). this pic was taking freshman year when we met. i’m so glad that she played guitar too and we were really able to (eventually) bond. i don’t think that i would have made it through the rough first few years of college without her holding my hand and without me holding hers. we give each other an amazing amount of strength just by talking to each other, just by being “around” each other. even just thinking about her gives me strength when i need some. she’s just so beautiful inside and out. i think that our rough patches have definitely bonded us for life. there was a point in my life when i wasn’t sure that our friendship would last if we both conquered our demons, but i know now. this is a lifer friend. for realz.

and of course can’t forget about THIS one. our lives right NOW are running parallel tracks, which is cool because we have someone to spill everything to without having to worry about someone getting sick of hearing about the men in our lives and the craziness that IS being in a relationship, a serious relationship, and even helping each other through the rough patches and the questions and the concerns and working through the baggage that inevitably gets dragged into any sort of relationship. i don’t know what i would do if i didn’t have her to precipitate my thoughts to and to just talk about our men and our craziness and stuff. and she gets me and i gets her and we just really help each other out. she’s ALSO someone i met freshman year and we really bonded over our similar personalities and food, if my memory serves. we ALSO ALSO have gone through some rough spots together and really worked through them and our relationship is SO much stronger because of them. there were times when things were a little crazy, a little shaky, but God knew that we really needed each other and He’s really been the grounding of our friendship. we’ve done a bible study (sort of) together and we’re (sort of) trying to get one going again. the only problem is that she lives in colorado and i’m in north dakota, so that makes things difficult and i’m just super busy and she’s busy and it’s just crazy. but it’s all going to work out and i can’t wait to see this girl over christmas. SO many people i need to see over christmas (and i get to meet her man. yay).

ok, i know this isn’t a picture of courtney and i, but i stalkerbooked her and i and just couldn’t find a picture of us that i really liked, so i took this one and i’ll do a sorta double whammy. court would OBVIOUSLY be the fabulous redhead in this picture and THIS lady, i tell you what, has encouraged me to chase and follow my dreams more than anyone else ever has. when i wanted to go to seminary, she was my loudest cheerleader. when i didn’t get in, she was the first person i called. when my last boyfriend and i broke up, she was there to “dry” my tears. when she was going through her recent boy stuff, she was talking to me. anything i ever wanted to do to pursue a dream, she’s been there, cheering me on, telling me that i can do it. and who would know more than the girl who pulled up ALL her roots and moved halfway across the country to follow her own dream? who is better qualified than her? she’s sweet and strong and real and crazy and DREAMS. she inspires me to dream and to trust and to look life in the face and say ‘what now? what do you have for me now?’ i can’t wait to see her this summer as well. and then, the lovely gentleman she is with would be nico, who i also CANNOT wait to meet. someday. not sure WHEN that will happen, but someday would sure be nice. nico is definitely moving from the ‘blog friend’ category to the ‘real friend’ category and i’m SO ok with that.

and last, but most CERTAINLY not least would be THIS girl. she’s probably the most RECENT addition to the close friend circle and i’m SO glad. i wasn’t completely sold on her at first (which seems to be a common thread for ALL my close friends) but the more and more i got to know her, the more and more dear this girl has become to me. we do NOT see each other enough even though we live, like, 5 miles away from each other. she’s another one who’s really been there for me through some pretty tough spots and shown me strength and loyalty and honesty and we’ve both also really grown in our faith together. both our lives kinda fell apart over the summer and we were there to pick each other up and hold onto each other and really help each other through. i actually just got to hang out with her last night and seriously, i feel so much better because of it. i’m more relaxed and i just feel rejuvenated. she refreshes me.

i really wish i could just go on and on but i have class in 7 minutes and i wanted to get this done before class. i KNOW that there are more people that i could add to this list, and if i had time, you better believe that i would. maybe i’ll just have to do a part 2. there are just so many people in my life who have helped to shape me and mold me into the person that i am today and i am eternally grateful to those people. to those who have held my hand when i needed it and sat and cried with me when i needed it and gave me a little (or big) kick in the bum when i needed it.

who’s helped you become the person YOU are? who are YOUR closest peeps?

i just discovered this new comedian, brian regan. HILARIOUS!!!

Psalm 86

A prayer of David.

¹ Hear, O LORD, and answer me,
for I am poor and needy.

² Guard my life, for I am devoted to you.
You are my God; save your servant
who trusts in you.

³ Have mercy on me, O Lord,
for I call to you all day long.

⁴ Bring joy to your servant,
for to you, O Lord,
I lift up my soul.

⁵ You are forgiving and good, O Lord,
abounding in love to all who call to you.

⁶ Hear my prayer, O LORD;
listen to my cry for mercy.

⁷ In the day of my trouble I will call to you,
for you will answer me.

⁸ Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord;
no deeds can compare with yours.

⁹ All the nations you have made
will come and worship before you, O Lord;
they will bring glory to your name.

¹⁰ For you are great and do marvelous deeds;
you alone are God.

¹¹ Teach me your way, O LORD,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.

¹² I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.

¹³ For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.

¹⁴ The arrogant are attacking me, O God;
a band of ruthless men seeks my life—
men without regard for you.

¹⁵ But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

¹⁶ Turn to me and have mercy on me;
grant your strength to your servant
and save the son of your maidservant.

¹⁷ Give me a sign of your goodness,
that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,
for you, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me.

ever had one of those days where you simply feel emotionally steamrolled? like the day before, everything is fine, nay, even grand. perfect. and then three glasses of wine with dinner later, you can feel all those emotions you’ve been trying to ignore working their way to the surface and then they explode up to the surface and you have no idea what just hit you. and you try to stuff them back down because you’re hanging out with your boyfriend whom you completely adore and you’re supposed to be having fun but these emotions, these feelings, these hurts are just crushing down on your body, weighing down your heart and mind and you just can’t quite stick your head above the surface to breathe.

and then he wants to talk about it. because he cares. because he loves you. because he can see that there’s something going on inside your head and he wants to know. because he wants to know every last thing about you. because he loves you. because he’s not scared of loving you. even though you’re still afraid. even though you still have nagging doubts. and he even wants you to share those. he wants you to talk with no filter, everything that’s going on inside your head. all the painful thoughts. all the strange emotions. all the crazy feelings. even though these thoughts, these emotions, these feelings are contradicting everything you’ve said earlier in the day.

do you ever feel like you’re two different people? like the person you were earlier in the day and the person you are now are two different people just sharing the same body? and you are aware that the other exists, but you have no idea how to relate to them. you can’t even fathom that they were feeling what they were feeling. you have no emotional connection with that other person. and you think about that and you say it out loud and you simply feel crazy. like, should be admitted crazy. and then you try to get away. because you can’t handle being this close to him as you’re saying terrible things and he won’t let you go. he won’t let you get up. he won’t let you run away from him. and he makes you look at him but you almost can’t. because you’re so ashamed of the way you feel. and when you finally do look at him, you see why you didn’t want to look in the first place. because you see that he’s hurt. but you also just see love. painfully unconditional love. and you wonder how he could love you like that because you can’t feel your own for him right now. you wonder if yours even exists. you wonder if you even feel the same way about him or if you’re just pretending. because, in that moment, you simply have no idea. you honestly can’t remember if you feel the same way. you can remember that you say that you love him but you can’t remember actually feeling it. you can’t remember the completely content feeling that you have when you’re around him. you can’t feel how much he calms you when he’s around. you can’t feel anything.

have you ever let your insecurities and hurts get the best of you? have you ever let someone rock you to your core? have you ever let someone completely break you? and watched them walk away while you lay on the floor, paralyzed in pain? have you ever tried to hide those in the deepest corner of your heart hoping that they’d never come out? have you ever looked into the eyes of the man who loves you, for everything you are, and admitted that? and watched the anger in his eyes? the anger that someone hurt the woman he loves like that.

have you ever admitted the darkest corners of your heart to him? the things that you don’t say to anyone else? the things that really WOULD get you admitted? the scary things. the things that maybe no one else knows exists still. your very own personal demons. have you ever had the fear that they’ll decide it’s too much? that they can’t handle being with you? have you ever hidden your dark side with so much intensity that even you forgot it was there for a while?

have you ever been more afraid that he’ll stay than that he’ll leave? that he’ll keep loving you just how you are and not how you might be in a few months? that he’s honestly telling the truth when he says those things? have you ever felt completely safe and completely terrified all the same time? have you ever needed someone to be strong for you because your strength finally ran out?

have you ever known that it’s just right? that everything that happened was meant to happen precisely how it happened?

do you believe that God created one person just for you? someone whose experiences makes them completely perfect for you and how you are? and someone for whom your experiences makes you completely perfect?

¹⁷ Give me a sign of your goodness,
that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,
for you, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me.

“Suddenly” (yeah, go check it out)

She feels lost in her own life
Treading water just to keep from slipping under
And she wonders if she’s where she’s supposed to be
Tired of trying to do it right
Her dreams are just too far away to see how steps she’s making might be taking her to who she’ll be

And suddenly it isn’t what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i’m supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

She feels locked in her own life
Scared of what she might lose
If she moves away from who she was
And she’s afraid of being free
There’s a way she knows is right
And she can’t feel the things she knows and so each step she’s taking
Is a step of faith towards who she’ll be

And suddenly it isn’t what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i’m supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

And here where the night is darkest black
She feels the fear
And the light is farthest back
And through her tears
She can see the dawn
Its coming skies will clear
And the light will find her where she’s always been

And suddenly it isn’t what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i’m supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

if you’ve been around my blog for a while, you’ll remember that i used this song in a different post. with a different idea though. a different train of thought.

for those of you who HAVEN’T read every post in my blog, let me catch you up just a little bit. i graduated in December with my WHOLE. LIFE. in order. i was in (what i thought, what i needed to believe was) an awesome relationship with a boy i loved with every last piece of my heart. i was waiting to get married to him. i was walking into a full-time job that would bide the waiting time. i was getting involved in my new church. a lot. i was reading through the old testament, which actually, is pretty interesting as long as you skip the law books (the first 5, yeah they’re pretty dry). life was great.

and then January came. and my relationship ended. and i didn’t get that job. or any other job. so i was heartbroken and unemployed. which spiraled me right back down into depression and self-medication. i bottled up all the rage and anger i felt at said boy until i couldn’t handle it anymore and i lashed out. at him. about him. i alternated between being numb and being in so much pain i couldn’t breathe.

it was pretty painful to watch, pretty painful to be a part of. those who HAVE been around will testify to those thoughts. those feelings. the difficulty of it all.

She feels lost in her own life
Treading water just to keep from slipping under
And she wonders if she’s where she’s supposed to be
Tired of trying to do it right
Her dreams are just too far away to see how steps she’s making might be taking her to who she’ll be

that’s where i was at that time. i couldn’t possibly see where life was going, how this was necessary that i go through this pain and anguish and suffering. what GOOD could POSSIBLY come from all of this. i had no idea. i didn’t want anyone to know that my relationship had ended. it was too painful for me to be able to talk about.

side note/nerd moment IF you’ve read twilight, which i have, you remember in whichever book it was (i think 3, the one that alternated between bella and jacob) and all bella could do was wrap her arms around herself to try to keep from breaking apart? remember that? yeah. that’s how i felt too. i hear ya, bella.

every day was a struggle to make it to the end of the day. but in February, i found a job. and it pretty much paid the bills and whatnot. it wasn’t the greatest job and my attitude, quite frankly, about the job wasn’t the greatest either. we had some rocky spots.

She feels locked in her own life
Scared of what she might lose
If she moves away from who she was
And she’s afraid of being free
There’s a way she knows is right
And she can’t feel the things she knows and so each step she’s taking
Is a step of faith towards who she’ll be

so then my life became like that. i clung desperately to things in my past. i clung to the idea that things would be resolved between ex and i. and slowly, i realized that i had nothing there. i shut out everyone else. i felt so alone. and finally, i reached out to God. because it was all i had. i had responsibilities with church and they saved me. slowly, very slowly, i surrendered myself. i got involved in a recovery group. and i worked through a lot of stuff. i surrendered thoughts. feelings. habits. and eventually my life. i took the broken little pieces of my life and handed them over to God. i didn’t see how any sense could be made of the mess that was my life. i only knew that if anyone could do it, it would be God.

and that has made all the difference.

there were some people that i had to forgive and whose forgiveness i had to ask. talk about terrifying. but i knew i needed to do it. i needed to let go of those fears, those feelings.

And suddenly it isn’t what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i’m supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

and now, as i look back, i see why all those things had to happen. i had to let go of my life. i was claiming to be a Christian, but not really living it. maybe on the outside, but not the inside. and i can see how God loves me too much to let me do that. and how each step i’ve taken has created who i am. the strength that’s in me. the compassion i have. everything about me is better now.

and after all the tears, i was supposed to be here.

i was supposed to be here, at this place, at this time. for greater purposes than i could have ever imagined. how could i have known in December that this massive heartbreak was preparing me for someone i would meet in august? how could i have known that the steps of faith i’ve taken since January were preparing me to help someone else find their way back to God? how could i have known that i would witness the greatest decision anyone could ever make in October? how could i have known that it would be the person that i loved with my whole heart? more than i ever thought possible. how could i have known that my temperament that was created through all this heartache and sorrow and pain would be precisely the temperament that he needed? how could i have known?

people have always told me that it’s the tiny things that make relationship. all the little decisions along the way that make you the perfect person for someone else. if i’d never met my friend R. and she hadn’t known how to say J’s last name. and if J and i hadn’t gotten to know each other through church and a Life Group. and if he didn’t play hockey. and if he hadn’t been so adamant about me meeting someone. and if i hadn’t gone to that party. and if his friend hadn’t asked for my number that night. and if i had run away when i was scared. and if i had let my past color my future so much that i couldn’t live it. if God hadn’t orchestrated everything perfectly, and if i hadn’t listened, i wouldn’t be where i am. i wouldn’t be the person i am. i wouldn’t be perfectly content in my life having no control over it. if i hadn’t let God take the driver’s seat. where would we be?

where would YOU be if God wasn’t guiding your life?

*“For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?” (Esther 4:14, NIV)

oh man do i feel like i’ve been neglecting all of you guys.  i don’t have time to blog. don’t have time to READ any blogs. i update once every two weeks if i’m lucky. oye.

however, don’t think that i don’t think about you all. because i do. and i WANT to be updating and letting you all know what’s in my brain, i really do. hopefully, once my other job is dropped, i’ll have more time for my interweb friends.

but i guess you’d all like to know that life is going pretty well right now.

classes are going well, i’m still pretty much on top of everything. my church has just started this awesome series called ‘Why>’ and it addresses 6 major questions about Christianity, which i think is really cool. it’s definitely throwing out some tough questions and other people are asking tough questions and it’s just so awesome to be able to discuss my faith with others in a totally nonthreatening way. some people are so put off by faith, and i’m not usually one to really talk about my faith IRL, so it’s definitely cool.

so on a different note, i was thinking about something that would be fun and (hopefully) encourage me to blog a tiny bit more. it’s another delurking call. so all you people who drop by here without a word, i give you a challenge. i want you to think of a song that makes you think of me. whenever you hear that particular song, i pop into your head. leave the title and artist or lyrics or a link in the comments.

it’ll be fun. trust me.