ugh. here i go again. blabbing on and on about relationships and what i’m doing and not doing and oh man why are you even still here reading this?

ha. just kidding. kind of. i know why you’re all here reading and i don’t mind taking advantage, sometimes, of that. of putting myself WWAAAYYY out there and then begging for advice. though, i find that it’s when i DON’T ask for it that i get the most and when i DO ask for it, i don’t get nearly as much as i’d hoped. oh well. doesn’t stop me from asking or pouring my  heart and soul out to all of you creepers.

anyway, the latest.

most of you know that there’s this ex-boyfriend lurking around somewhere in my past. fairly recent past, too. long story short, we were together for 2.5 years, he dumped me, i hated him and said mean things, he disappeared, i apologized after growing up a lot, he apologized and told me that part of him still wanted to be with me even though he had another girlfriend, i said deal with your past before you create a future, we stopped talking, and now he has stuff of mine that i really want back. and i asked him a MONTH ago for it. seriously, $5 to mail. just give me stuff.

and for whatever reason, him having this stuff is driving. me. batty. it’s a book that i can buy again. it’s out there. the other thing is a shirt. it’s a band shirt that i got a few  years ago. and i really, really liked this shirt. and when we were together, it didn’t bother me that he had it. but now i want it back. i can’t find it ANYWHERE. why? because the band doesn’t exist anymore. that’s right. so i want it back because of that. i also think that i want those things back because they’re MINE. they’re NOT his. i don’t want part of me with him anymore. i still feel tied to him. now, the current beau and i have talked about this (and yes, it makes me feel like a douchebag because i feel like i talk about him all the time and the beau rarely if ever brings up the past ladies).

so. the question. the dilemma.

do i just let go of the stuff? do i simply accept the fact that i’m NEVER going to get them back? do i buy a new book and forget about the shirt? do i harass him and tell him to mail the stuff to me? do i write a simple note that says ‘there’s no room for you in my life anymore and so i would like you to send these things to me to break this last tie with you’?

it’s not fair to the beau. i KNOW that. i KKNNNOOOOWWWW that. he deserves to have all of me. not 95%. not even 99%. 100%. i’ve come a LONG way from last january, which was the break up. ask anyone. i still have a ways to go, though. and i’m wondering if maybe i’m allowing this to hold me back, to tie me down to him because i’m not sure how to accept that someone SO close to me, SO important to me is now nothing. i am nothing to him. he is nothing to me.

of course, then it makes me wonder why the heck is he not taking the 30 seconds it would take to do this? and the $5?

but i think i know the answer to that question too. i know him. i know the kind of person he is. and that’s why he’s not sending them. he doesn’t THINK. and he puts things off and off. i know this about him.

but i’m also wondering, is he holding onto this stuff for that connection? is he hoping that it will keep the contact going? now, i’ve facebooked him once about this. texted him one day which lead to a series of texts. but that’s it. it’s not like i’m texting every other day. or calling him. you know? i don’t understand really why i’m so caught up in this. why i’m so obsessed with getting this stuff back.

so bloggy friends, IRL friends, facebook friends, random creepers, lurkers, everyone who reads this…

help?

**yes i know i already posted today, so don’t read it if you don’t want to, but this was just on my mind and i had to let it out. if you have ANY thoughts (yes, you lurkers too) or opinions or enlightenment, PLEASE do share. i would appreciate any light that can be shed on this confusing subject.**

 

we’ve been talking about sex a lot in my sociology class lately and find that the more i learn about people around me and how they think, the more i realize that i am so out of touch with today’s reality. but don’t judge me too harshly, i’m a product of my socialization. growing up in a conservative small town, i viewed sex as a HUGE taboo. yes, it’s wonderful. as long as you’re married. but if you have sex before then, you’re a slut and have thousands of STDs and you’re probably pregnant too, you just don’t know it.

that is… if you’re a girl.

if you’re a boy, you better be having sex with as many girls as humanly possible. so that you’re cool. or something? i don’t know. i never really interacted with people who thought like that because it seemed to me that so few of them had any usable brain cells. so not only was i not having sex, i had absolutely no desire to do so either. it simply seemed that if i did, i would end up like them. not so much what i wanted. and don’t get me wrong, my faith had a lot to do with that too, but for now, i’m actually going to leave that out. so just know that faith has a lot to do with this as well, but for now, i’m simply going to take the logical reasoning side (and thinking the way i do and feeling so out of touch with reality probably has a lot to do with that faith, fyi).

so back to not being interested. my thinking was that if sex is what it takes to be cool, and being cool makes me like them, and they are some of the dumbest people i know… why would i want to have sex? following so far?

so now, not ONLY do i NOT want to be like them, i’m ALSO being told by society at large that as a girl, i need to not be having sex because that makes me a slut. i mean, i can tease all i want, but i better not give in (makes me think of rizzo’s song in grease: there are worse things i could do…). because that makes me dirty. and i don’t want to be dirty either. according to society. i need to be pristine and pure. either that or i need to be a turbo slut. there seems to be no middle ground on that. OR if i AM having sex, i need to keep it on the dl. because i am a sexual gatekeeper. i decide when and where and how and why. apparently. because that is my role as a woman.

fast forward a few years. i’ve got some college under my belt. i’m in a relationship. however, EVEN THOUGH i’m in that relationship, i’m not really allowed to have friends that are males. can’t REALLY go out to eat one on one with them. because suddenly i’m cheating. or might be thinking about it. or i’m unsatisfied in my relationship. in fact, if i’m out with another male friend, i’m probably considering having sex with him. just for fun. right? OR, say i’m NOT in a relationship and i still have dinner with said guy. we can’t JUST be friends. i mean really, who does that? we’re probably having sex, right? because we can. even though we’re not together. which is a boon for him. but a source of judgment for me. especially since when people find out that we’re NOT dating. well then what are we doing? we can’t JUST be friends? no. males and females cannot JUST be friends. there must always be some sexual element to it.

is this strange to anyone else? am i even making sense?

so fast forward another couple years. in a DIFFERENT relationship. we’ve decided that sex is not going to be part of the relationship pre-marriage. it’s just not going to happen. not that we think it’s a horrible dirty thing. that’s not it. it’s more that sex is such a huge thing in so many relationships, i wonder what else is there. what other interests are shared? do they really know each other? i/we didn’t want sex to become the primary relationship builder. believe it or not, there is so much more to me than my vagina. i would much rather get to know his brain, his mind, his personality first. not that i’m not INCREDIBLY attracted to his body, don’t get me wrong. i am. but when i think about him, i want to be able to think of other things that i enjoy with him as well.

so then comes the interesting part. because we’ve decided to not have this be part of the relationship yet, he’s gay and i’m frigid. or something. but now, after i’ve been told to be pure and to be the gatekeeper, i’m supposed to open the gate simply because we’re in a relationship. it’s like, the social requirement for me has been met. there is now something WRONG with me/us because it’s not happening. we’re not ACTUALLY attracted to each other. it’s like having some sort of self control is strange and weird and unacceptable. and what’s more, people look more down on him than on me. so it’s not necessarily that i’m being frigid, but i should be letting him sleep with me. it’s like, he’s made his payment so now where’s his reward?

am i still making sense? i don’t feel like i am, but i’m really processing all of this.

so i find this double standard to be incredibly interesting and frustrating at the same time. how it’s ok and not ok at the same time. it’s ok for me to hold it back as long as i’m not in a relationship but as soon as i get in one, i better be putting out. and it’s ok for him to not be having it because it shows that he loves and respects me but it’s not ok for him to not be having it because he’s a man and that’s what men deserve in their relationships and it’s a hit to his ego to not be getting any.

i simply don’t understand the thought process (or lack thereof) behind all of this.

yes, yes it’s true. and official. i’m moving the heck out of this dorm. i absolutely cannot handle being here any more. it’s not my roommate. she’s cool. it’s the actual LIVING in the dorm. it’s the zero privacy. it’s the zero quiet. it’s the lack of control of the temperature of my room. it’s obnoxious girls living on my floor. it’s having nowhere to go that’s MY. OWN. it’s being 23 and FORCED to live here.

5 years ago i was diagnosed with depression. and things very quickly went downhill from there. i was on meds, i was seeing counselors and pastors and psychologists and psychiatrists and still not really improving. it was rough to say the least. i remember how i felt and started acting before things really turned south. now, to be fair, that all went down in october 5 years ago. i’ve made it an additional month and been relatively able to handle the mental and emotional side effects of living on campus. but i’m seeing the patterns start to emerge. i’m feeling the overwhelming lethargy. i’m slacking on my responsibilities. it’s noticeable. i know what i need to do but i’m not doing it. and i don’t really want to. i almost CAN’T do it. i’m simply too overwhelmed. also, my eating and sleeping habits are starting to be affected. not just college student bad eating, no it’s more than that. i’m starting to not WANT to eat. big sign of cari being super stressed. food is the first to go. and i’m having a hard time falling asleep unless i’m super exhausted and then i have a hard time getting up. i have a hard time getting out of bed to do what i need to do. really, it’s just like the LAST time i lived in dahl.

i can’t do that again. i can’t survive a whole year like that. i’ve learned a lot of things about recognizing signs and symptoms and how to re-prioritize and how to cut out the little things to make room for the big things. i’ve learned all of this. i don’t want to go to some counselor or psychologist who’s going to tell me the same stuff. i know what i need to. i’ve been doing it. i’ve rearranged my life. i’ve quit a job, i’ve stopped a few extra-curricular activities trying to reduce stress. it’s not working. i know part of it is hours at my job. i’m there SIX days a week. come january, that WILL change. i can handle it through then because there are two huge breaks in there. i get a bunch of days off. and besides, i have bills to pay. i need to save money. i know that i can rearrange my hours and they will DEAL with me NOT being there every day. everyone will survive. i know that. i’m not necessarily as totally valuable as i might think i am.

besides, working until 7 every night really interferes with cari learning how to play hockey. why? because outdoor rinks turn off their lights at 8. so i’d get 45 mins to play. not. enough. granted, i still have friday, saturday and sunday to skate, still. i’d like to at least have the OPPORTUNITY for more. and my boss is fairly reasonable. she’ll be mostly ok with me cutting down one day. there are things i WANT to do. i WANT to run. i WANT to get in shape. i WANT to learn how to play hockey. when i’m stressed, i feel like i can’t do that. i feel like nothing’s going to work out. it’s too hard living like that. it’s too hard trying to think against myself, you know?

so, really. dahl, i hate you and i don’t want to live in you anymore. so i’m leaving. we’re over. i promise, you’ll find someone else better than me for you anyway. your new relationship will be better. don’t cry. because it’s not going to change my mind. you’re not good for me. i’m moving in with the boyfriend’s grandpa. he’ll be better for me than you. really. i’ll have a whole house to share with one person. not just a room. and i get my own bathroom. it’s just better, dahl. better than you.

i’m not ready to see my grandpa. he has alzheimer’s. pretty bad. it’s gotten much worse since i last saw him. i’m not ready to see him. i’m not ready for him to not know me. i’m not ready for him to look at me and have no recognition who i am. i’m not ready to accept the fact that he’s not going to know my boyfriend. that he won’t be coherent enough to be at my wedding. that he’ll never know my kids. i’m not ready for this disease to take over him completely. it pretty much already has. he pretty much has no cognitive ability. i’m not ready to see him like that. it will break my heart and i’m not ready. i’m just not ready. but i also know that i’ll never be ready for it. you can’t be ready for something like that.

so there i was, sitting in the chair, “reading” my social psychology, chatting online with my boyfriend, texting with my sister, eating some no bake cookies and i realized that i simply have ZERO focus to read. at all. so i’m taking a bit of a break. of course, it doesn’t help that my uterus is attempting to eat all of my internal organs. i think it might be working on my large intestine right now.

at first i thought it was my liver, but that’s WAY too high. i think it’s munching right now right about where the line is for ‘large intestine’. tmi? sorry.

moving on.

so a lady who i used to work with saw el promise ring today and she, not surprisingly, assumed engagement. i corrected her, gently of course, and told her what it was. and she didn’t believe me. as if to say… you mean to tell me that THIS gorgeous piece of bling is only temporary? why yes, yes it is. she thought it was really sweet when i told her it was grandma’s ring and then proceeded to get offended when i told her that i wanted my own. really? is that such a bad thing? yeah, i didn’t think so either.

oh, and do you want to know how incredibly cool i am? i wore a BLACK dress today with BROWN shoes. yep. i know. i’m sure that some of you are horrified. but i promise, no puppies were injured in the making of my outfit. don’t worry, i’ll wear black shoes to work. i just really like my new brown shoes and i wanted to wear them. and i haven’t worn this dress in a long time and i wanted to wear it. so whatever. judge me if you want to. i don’t really care.

my brother made me chocolate no bake cookies. they’re delicious.

i’ve really missed writing on here. i just haven’t really had the time to do it. it seems like i’m always running from one thing to another. but today, i had time. today, i made time. because i couldn’t concentrate. and i’ve been getting rid of things in my life that i don’t want to do so that i have time for the things i DO want to do. like start running. i’m hoping that a potential life change will make it possible for me to do such. because that would rule. i’m not sayin’, i’m just sayin’.

i have a carebear staring at me. intently. i’m not sure if i should be creeped or not. it never blinks. or shifts its attention. i mean i know it’s an inanimate object and all, but still. it’s a little weird.

i’m super tired. can you tell? this post is a little randomy. i was GOING to make bullet points (which almost came out as butt points, in case you were wondering) but decided that i didn’t want to put in the extra effort. yeah, i know. it’s ONE button. but i didn’t want to. don’t judge me. or do. i don’t care.

i think that i just might have to take a power nap. i think i’d feel a lot better later on. and i might be able to concentrate when it comes to ACTUALLY studying. later on. tonight. yes.

i love my sister. she’s crazy. and awesome. and i like to tell her things. we used to hate each other. like… REALLY hate each other. and now, we’re like…. friends kinda. it’s pretty awesome if you ask me.

ok. i’m really actually going to go take a nap now. i needs it. i’m falling asleep. hope you enjoyed the random post. and you know what i think? i think that for JUST. THIS. ONE. POST., if you read it, leave a comment. any kind of comment. i think it would be cool to see how many people i get to comment. just on this one post. so, all you lurkers, i know you’re out there, i see you on my stats page (62 views on saturday and 5 comments? seriously, people). so yeah, just… put something out there. it’d be cool. or comment on a different post, i don’t care, just pick one. if you read it, leave a note. just this one time, and then i’ll let you lurk again for a while before this brilliant idea hits me again. ok. sleep time. later, kids!

promise (noun) – a declaration or assurance that one will do a particular thing or guarantee that a particular thing will happen

do you ever wish that you had a physical manifestation of a spoken promise? something that is a daily, constant reminder of the verbal things already spoken and a sign of all those things unspoken?

it’s not that i needed it. i really didn’t. but i wanted it. i know that the words spoken are true. i believe them. i can feel them. i know.

these are the things i know: i know that the words are true, the feelings real, the intentions are honorable. i know that i will never suffer another heartbreak at the hands of some stupid boy. i know that i can say anything without fear of judgment or retaliation. i know i can hang around whomever i choose without fear of accusation. i know that i am the most beautiful woman that exists in his eyes. i know that my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, my words are heard and treasured. i know that i can’t live without him. these are the things i know.

this is my physical manifestation of those promises:

it’s not a promise of marriage, per se. as in, it’s not the engagement ring. it’s a promise ring. his grandmother’s ring. a promise that i never again have to worry about anything. a reminder that all these things are true and will remain so. and i wanted to share before everyone starting jumping to conclusions. yes, it’s fast, i understand. but it’s right. i’ve never been more sure of anything in my entire life. it’s real. it’s honest. it’s true. it’s open*. it’s everything i’ve ever wanted in a relationship and more. he’s everything i’ve ever wanted in a man and more. and so i asked him for a cheapo ring because i didn’t want to go one more day without being marked as his. not one more day. and what i got was far from cheapo, the farthest even. i know his grandma was looking down at him, smiling, telling him to use hers.

like i said, i don’t need it. i already know these things to be true. but i want it. i want everyone to know what i know. i want everyone to see what i know.

 

————————————————————–

*yes, he knows i’m writing this. as a matter of fact, it was his idea. and he’s reading over my shoulder as i write it, which is only slightly weird for me. not used to spectators to my blogging. because i don’t post things on here that i haven’t already talked to him about. most of what i share is old news to us. i don’t use this as a means of communication to him. i don’t need to. i tell him anything that’s in my head. anything. even if it’s about the ex. oh yes, everything. my words don’t frighten him. he will not run. this is not one sided. it never has been. i do not nag. i do not need to. we are on the same page. we always have been. this is the way love is supposed to be: real, open, honest, raw. and i want everyone to know i love him and he loves me. there. i said it. and it’s on the internet. so it’s true.

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it’s not that i’m super ready for this semester to be over. that’s not the case at all. i’m loving my classes. i like going to them. i like learning what i’m learning. school is not stressing me out.

 

this is what IS.

 

i’m discontent with something else. i’m ready to move on. not to move on from school, not to be done, like i said. i’m ready to move on in life. i’m tired of this temporary, nomadic single life. i want to get married. i want a home. i want somewhere to go at the end of the day that’s mine. the proverbial ‘they’ say that home is where your heart is. my heart is NOT in dahl. my heart is in morris. my heart is in fargo. at the end of the night when i have to go back to dahl, it’s like i’m leaving home for a stranger’s bed. i’m not sleeping in my bed. it’s never going to be my bed. it will always belong to someone else. and who is that person? is the it the school? i don’t know “the school”. i don’t know the person who owns my bed. it’s not mine. it never will be mine. my heart stays in morris and fargo while my body goes to a too hot, too cluttered, unfamiliar place.

 

i want to clear something up here. it’s not that i hate my roommate. i don’t. i really like her, actually. she’s really cool. we’re a lot alike in living styles minus one major thing. i’m more social than she is. she’d rather stay in while i’d rather go out. again, not a problem. she’s cool. however, i don’t want to live with her. because it’s not home. living with her is not home.

 

it’s so hard to share a 6×20 space with someone. trying to study in my room is nearly impossible. and where am i going to go? a lounge? where there are going to be other people? i need alone time. i need to study on my own. in my own space. i just want to be in a place that’s familiar. that’s comforting.

 

also trying to figure out a bible study schedule or a work out schedule with the boyfriend is nearly impossible. it’s not just finding a time for it, but finding a time and a place. and figuring out how that works into both our schedules. and one always has to go to the other.

 

and maybe this just sounds like i’m whining, but i think that’s the majority of my stress right now. i have this battle in my head of what i need to do and how discontent i am with such a LARGE part of my life. with how much effort something that should be relatively simple takes.

 

home is where the heart is. and i know where my heart is.

so i know it’s been a while since i’ve written but i just don’t know what to write about. my life isn’t terribly interesting, i guess. i mean, i’m not really sure.

i’m still doing the school thing. which is really fun and i’m really enjoying it. and i have a test on monday, which i should be studying for and not trying to punch out some blog post about nothing. but alas, we’ll keep plugging away here and see where this goes.

so i’m in school for psychology, if you weren’t aware. and the weirdest thing happened. ok, maybe not the WEIRDEST, but it was still strange. so this kid in band overheard me telling the band director what’s going on in my life and what i’m doing and what i’m in school for, etc., and after i put away my instrument and started walking out of band room, he stops me and says ’so you’re really a psychology major?’

…..

um, yes. yes, i am (ok, you have to understand, this kid is kind of out there… if you know what i mean. think… perpetual freshman).

’so does that mean that you can diagnose me?’

……..

‘why? do you have some sort of psychological disorder?’

‘no, i just thought it would be fun to be analyzed and see if there’s anything wrong with me.’

…………..

and since he laughed while saying it, i laughed and took that opportunity to make my exit.

i mean, seriously. weird. i don’t know.

but, now that i take some time to think about it, it’s not THAT weird or strange. the conversation was just because of the person that he is. a little socially awkward. but who of you wouldn’t like the same thing? a few hours with a psychologist just to see what they say about you. just to draw upon their wells of knowledge and see if i’m normal or not. and the more and more i learn about psychology, the more i see that what i think i have, i REALLY do have. it’s not just a figment of my imagination, it’s not some conjured up version of reality. it’s really there. it really affects me. which is kind of a relief in some sick way. it’s like, yes, i thought something was wrong with me and it’s true. i wasn’t fed some bs. there is a NAME to it.

am i making any sense?

do i wish that i was “normal” and “healthy”? maybe kinda, but then i would be a different person. i wouldn’t be the compassionate person i am. i wouldn’t be able to effectively help those that i think i can help. because i wouldn’t know what they’re going through. i wouldn’t understand the feelings they feel. i wouldn’t know. and how can someone help if they don’t really know what you’re talking about? isn’t it true that when something crazy happens in your life, you want to talk to someone else who’s had a similar crazy thing happen? someone who’s been there? yeah, i thought so.

so i’m really excited for this major. i’m excited to see where it goes. i’m excited to take the next step (which is hopefully seminary) and really further my education and understanding. further myself. improve myself to help others improve. it’s like everything in life is starting to make sense again, just what i wanted so many months ago, if you can remember back that far in my blog. living one day at a time (mostly) and taking things how they come, remembering what’s important and acting on that. getting rid of things that aren’t important in order to keep the things that are. in order to make more time for the things that are.

isn’t growing up and maturing awesome?

I was talking with a friend of mine yesterday about some things and she brought up something i hadn’t thought about for a while. love languages. she was talking to me about a certain aspect of her relationship and how she enjoys it because it speaks to her primary love language.

which, of course, got me to thinking about mine.

and something someone once said to me. we were talking about me pretty much just how awesome i am, and even though i’d heard it all before from this particular person, i wanted to hear it again. it wouldn’t have bothered me to hear even the exact same words as before. to which they replied “that’s YOUR guilty pleasure. you’ll never get tired of hearing it.”

you’re right. i will never tire of hearing it. i will never tire of hearing the wonderful things people have to say about me. because THAT is my love language. words of affirmation. a good compliment will sustain me for days while a hurtful word will tear me to pieces for weeks. i was once in a relationship where i was constantly told how how amazing i would be once i was “healed” and not depressed anymore. where i was criticized for who i was because he didn’t think i should be that way. where i was accused of cheating so much that i finally cracked and did. where i was told that he wasn’t sure if i’d ever be good enough for him. words are incredibly powerful to me.

is it any surprise, then, how good i am with words? does it come as a surprise the mastery i have of the english language? that i can pound out a blog post in a few minutes, with no editing, no proofing and it’s almost epic? it is any wonder?

i once took the time to really figure out the love languages of those around me and tried my best to speak them as much as possible. it was amazing the impact it had on my relationships. even now, i almost unconsciously do it. i’m constantly trying to figure them out, trying to be aware of what people want and need to hear or see or touch or feel to be loved. it certainly takes the focus off myself and i find that when most people are feeling filled, they automatically tell me, which fuels right back into mine.

so you’re right, i’ll never tire of hearing. i’ll never get tired of compliments. but i’ll also never be as destroyed as i am by a careless, hurtful word.

how about you? what’s YOUR primary love language?

———————

*The Five Love Languages (Gary Chapman) http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/

Words of Affirmation
Mark Twain once said “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”  Verbal appreciation speaks powerfully to persons whose primary Love Language is “Words of Affirmation.”  Simple statements, such as, “You look great in that suit,” or “You must be the best baker in the world! I love your oatmeal cookies,” are sometimes all a person needs to hear to feel loved.

Aside from verbal compliments, another way to communicate through “Words of Affirmation” is to offer encouragement.  Here are some examples: reinforcing a difficult decision; calling attention to progress made on a current project; acknowledging a person’s unique perspective on an important topic. If a loved one listens for “Words of Affirmation,” offering encouragement will help him or her to overcome insecurities and develop greater confidence.

Quality Time
Quality time is more than mere proximity. It’s about focusing all your energy on your mate. A husband watching sports while talking to his wife is NOT quality time. Unless all of your attention is focused on your mate, even an intimate dinner for two can come and go without a minute of quality time being shared.

Quality conversation is very important in a healthy relationship. It involves sharing experiences, thoughts, feelings and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context. A good mate will not only listen, but offer advice and respond to assure their mate they are truly listening. Many mates don’t expect you to solve their problems. They need a sympathetic listener.

An important aspect of quality conversation is self-revelation. In order for you to communicate with your mate, you must also be in tune with your inner emotions. It is only when you understand your emotions and inner feelings will you then be able to share quality conversation, and quality time with your mate.

Quality activities are a very important part of quality time. Many mates feel most loved when they spend physical time together, doing activities that they love to do. Spending time together will bring a couple closer, and, in the years to come, will fill up a memory bank that you can reminisce about in the future.
Whether it’s sitting on the couch and having a brief conversation or playing together in a tennis league, quality time is a love language that is shared by many. Setting aside focused time with your mate will ensure a happy relationship.

Receiving Gifts
Some mates respond well to visual symbols of love. If you speak this love language, you are more likely to treasure any gift as an expression of love and devotion. People who speak this love language often feel that a lack of gifts represents a lack of love from their mate. Luckily, this love language is one of the easiest to learn.

If you want to become an effective gift giver, many mates will have to learn to change their attitude about money. If you are naturally a spender, you will have no trouble buying gifts for your mate. However, a person who is used to investing and saving their money may have a tough time adjusting to the concept of spending money as an expression of love. These people must understand that you are investing the money not in gifts, but in deepening your relationship with your mate.

The gift of self is an important symbol of love. Sometimes all your mate desires is for someone to be there for them, going through the same trials and experiencing the same things. Your body can become a very powerful physical symbol of love.

These gifts need not to come every day, or even every week. They don’t even need to cost a lot of money. Free, frequent, expensive, or rare, if your mate relates to the language of receiving gifts, any visible sign of your love will leave them feeling happy and secure in your relationship.

Acts of Service
Sometimes simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression of love. Even simple things like laundry and taking out the trash require some form of planning, time, effort, and energy. Just as Jesus demonstrated when he washed the feet of his disciples, doing humble chores can be a very powerful expression of love and devotion to your mate.

Very often, both pairs in a couple will speak to the Acts of Service Language. However, it is very important to understand what acts of service your mate most appreciates. Even though couples are helping each other around the house, couples will still fight because the are unknowingly communicating with each other in two different dialects. For example, a wife may spend her day washing the cars and walking the dog, but if her husband feels that laundry and dishes are a superior necessity, he may feel unloved, despite the fact that his wife did many other chores throughout the day. It is important to learn your mate’s dialect and work hard to understand what acts of service will show your love.

It is important to do these acts of service out of love and not obligation. A mate who does chores and helps out around the house out of guilt or fear will inevitably not be speaking a language of love, but a language of resentment. It’s important to perform these acts out of the kindness of your heart.

Demonstrating the acts of service can mean stepping out of the stereotypes. Acts of service require both mates to humble themselves into doing some chores and services that aren’t usually expected from their gender. However, these little sacrifices will mean the world to your mate, and will ensure a happy relationship.

Physical Touch
Many mates feel the most loved when they receive physical contact from their partner. For a mate who speaks this love language loudly, physical touch can make or break the relationship.

Sexual intercourse makes many mates feel secure and loved in a marriage. However, it is only one dialect of physical touch. Many parts of the body are extremely sensitive to stimulation. It is important to discover how your partner not only physically responds but also psychologically responds to these touches.

It is important to learn how your mate speaks the physical touch language. Some touches are irritating and uncomfortable for your mate. Take the time to learn the touches your mate likes. They can be big acts, such as back massages or lovemaking, or little acts such as touches on the cheek or a hand on the shoulder. It’s important to learn how your mate responds to touch. That is how you will make the most of this love language.

All marriages will experience crisis. In these cases, physical touch is very important. In a crisis situation, a hug can communicate an immense amount of love for that person. A person whose primary love language is physical touch would much rather have you hold them and be silent than offer any advice.

It is important to remember that this love language is different for everyone. What type of touch makes you feel secure is not necessarily what will make your partner happy. It is important to learn each other’s dialects. That way you can make the most of your hugging, kissing, and other physical contacts.